Good Friday afternoon everyone,
What a late start I’m facing today. Heck, these past few weeks have been one big late to the party. I’m struggling to bring myself back to the present from future worries that don’t affect me now in attempting to keep the big picture of life clear.
My life is out of my hands.
That’s far from the truth that I’ve let myself recently believe. And, it wasn’t until this morning’s meditation session that I realized it.
By subjective scoring of my smiles, respect, and purpose, respect remains the same. During the past week, smiles and purpose dropped.
Only now, with sharing here, have I decided that they don’t have to be that way. So while I think I’ve got control again, smiles are back to where they were.
My sleep pattern is borked in taking care of myself this week. I think it’s by not believing I have life control and because I’ve cleared my system of my supplements. One aspect hits psychologically and the other physiologically.
So, yup, I wasn’t in my right mind.
I’ve been able to replenish my omega and energetic multivitamin supply. I remain flummoxed in finding magnesium aspartate, or any other magnesium variant to help with emotional calmness, clarity, and sleep. I might use melatonin to help with sleep instead.
For the past weeks, weekend hikes and daily city walks replaced my morning yoga and meditation routine. Yet, I didn’t create a specific time for morning meditation.
I’ve struggled to bring morning yoga and its recovering meditation back. Twice I’ve succeeded this week.
Another problem with my morning meditation was that I let go of its longer form: no more gratefulness, I am Michael recap, and in the moment connectedness. It became, “Hey, I’m Michael, I smile, demonstrate respect, and have purpose. I’m taking care of myself, having healthy relationships, and am an inspiring person.”
By truncating the how and what core points of myself in meditation, removed all of the habit or action reminders—that lead to not feeling positive movement in being my ideal self.
Take time daily to remind yourself who you are.
In reducing debt, because my car is leased, I never included it back in November’s original debt amount. That was a $6,214 mistake that I didn’t share with you. And, the original amount excluded an in-progress $1,400 credit card payment.
Around $41,070.63 was the real starting number in tracking my debt.
I was embarrassed by speaking earlier in the year of figuring to be debt-free this past December. However, with divorce and other life choices, I doubled debt than eradicated it.
And because of that embarrassment, I didn’t get to celebrate with you that I paid off my car lease a year before expected. That payoff added $480 to my monthly cash flow.
With better cash flow management and pushing the excess to my $20,000 personal consolidation loan taken at the end of last October, I’m on track to have it paid off about five months early.
And, despite the aggressive payoffs, I’ve saved nearly $11,000 by month’s end. That’s two months of full expense savings set aside.
Yeah! Debt-free progression reduces stress.
I’ve been reducing the number of active relationship connections with people. I’m not sure whether I’m saving my energy, not being interested, or something else. Still, for those people I’ve remained with, I’m better at being undistracted and fearless in sharing during those conversations.
Those traits were especially helpful when I realized I had sandbagged troubling feedback for a couple of my leaders. That is a massive oops by me that disrupts trust between us. In fixing the situation, I’ve pushed out a quick review for us to set more explicit role expectations.
Leadership and relationships go hand in hand.
And, I’m ignoring “Improve localized conversation abilities” AKA practicing 中文 because it’s not essential to me at this time.
Inspiring leadership… bleh… I think that’s a wash. I feel that I’m nearing the end of the struggles, and though wanting not to let others know, by sharing my real moments, we’re connecting better.
Emotional and logical mindsets at odds are human.
In knowing team member’s names, backgrounds, and domains, I’m finding that outcome too broad. I’m not sure when good enough happens. Technically knowing *my* team members is good enough because of our better relationship cascades to their team members.
How about knowing 80% of people? Which 80%?
This past week, I was deeply surprised by the answer my people gave me when I asked them, “outside of the director’s group, who do you admire at Axelerant.” I expected one or two names for each response, not the reasoned people lists I got.
Through these responses, I’m aware of our next-generation leaders and diamonds in the rough. So, good enough gets clarity: my team members and their admired people.
As time has been tight for weekly tasks, I’ve increased my weekly CSO tasks to 2.5 hours and this self-reflection to 2 hours starting next week.
And as enthusiasm for #open-chat conversations has faded, I’m reworking them in the coming week towards bi-weekly or monthly suggested topics and ask us anything time with Ankur.
In closing, though the past month of reality reflections, challenging the status quo, missing my kids, and pandemic adjustments have been rough, I’m choosing to be in the moment with gratitude and purpose again.
Thank you for the opportunity to share my success and struggles openly with you all.
P.S. I’ve been fixing some mean caponata. I love those Italian eggplant dishes. I’ve only been preparing one curry a week recently. Maybe next week I’ll make red pumpkin chicken curry with newly found fresh basil.