Categories
Exposition

$$$, hugs, & divorce

The scariest things to do might be the simplest

Each week, I attempt to openly reflect upon its happenings in hopes of figuring out how to get closer to living my ideal life.

Hindsight makes this past week feel scattered. Yet there’s an underlying thought towards doing the right thing, even when it’s undefinable at the moment.

I take care of myself

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve not felt like cooking and have taken to daily stops at 7-11, Family Mart, or Carrefour to purchase chicken-based meals or some such, drinks too. And, while the idea of doing so doesn’t seem all that great. The food tends to be tasty and comes in under budget.

I’m probably saving money because I tend to purchase pricey groceries or at least not look at the price tag. Still, I’m not sure whether such food is what I consider nutritious though the ingredients list and results keep me from being sick.

I’ve got a 24-kilometer, ten-summit mountain hike on Sunday. I’m excited and scared to be going on such a trip. I’ve done 18-kilometer hikes and even used to run farther long ago. Yet it’s my first such trip with peers in a long time.

All I know is that I’ll do my best at the moment I’m there. Maybe I’ll make it, perhaps not. I’m interested to see how it goes.

Though I’ve got a big hike up this weekend, my mid-week hiking has slowed down to just a singular hillside hike and beachside walking. Oh well… I’m still enjoying them, just not sweating off the fat as much. 😉

Sleeping on the couch has been resulting in better rest than that of the bed. I’m even to the point that a few minutes nap is preferred via the living room. When I have my place again, purchasing a comfortable mattress matters.

And money… well, I’ve taken a look at my past six-months expenses and updated my budget. Frankly, the budget is tighter, yet at day’s end, I can’t complain. I’m saving almost 28% of my income.

In a couple more months, I’ll have my two-months emergency budget restored, and then I can focus on rebuilding other savings accounts to a similar point. Then, I’ll pay off the student loans.

And I can’t complain too much. I was initially looking at May 2021 for having my significant debt gone and maybe December 2021 for the student loans. It’s possible by the end of this year, all debt except the monthly expenses are paid off.

I wonder what I’ll do…

The biggest thing I fear about debt is upon my return to the United States that I’m going to think it’s a good idea to settle down in terms of rebuying a home and car.

It’s strange to consider settling down as a fear than a dream. I wonder what genuinely drives me towards new experiences and knowing myself a bit better every day.

I have healthy relationships

The scariest thing I did this past week was hugging someone.

Last Thursday, my plane tickets for heading back to the United States on September second were canceled for the fifth time. And through that action, I felt quite sad and wanted comfort.

There is pain from being another undetermined amount of time before seeing my kids shook me. However, I’m aware that my kids will probably understand as we’ll remain connected through our many video-chats each week.

Yet, there are the mental games we play in. Like, I last saw my kids in person Friday, October eighteenth, 2019. And, I have missed Drusus’ last two and at least one of Jace’s birthdays. And, they’ve been asking for me to come back for a few months.

So while I’m confident and have faith in my life choices, it’s around my kids that I’m weak. And, wanting reassurance.

Hence, the scary hug.

I have been social dating, platonic stuff, walks, talks, and meals since February because I’ve not felt ready for a real relationship. As such, I keep myself back from people. And that distancing-myself interfered with a simple hug.

When I finally worked up the courage to hug my friend, and then I started crying, the later didn’t bother me. For breaking through the fear of hugging was needed most.

Yet, for a moment, I think that I broke perceptions of what a strong American male was.

I am an inspiring leader

I’m doubtful it’s very appropriate to associate divorce with challenging the status quo, yet that is on my mind, for I see what’s before the divorce is a long-standing relationship, like the time we spend at a place of employment.

And the divorce is the change we feel that must happen to bring about joy or some other much-desired outcome because no other lesser action seems appropriate.

Why is that? Why are small changes which lead to more significant impacts get challenged, and we feel that brute force must apply?

I’m not sure why for others. Yet, for myself, it seems to be similar to a difference between faith and religion.

Through religion, we know how to act as part of the group. We even know what kind of shared actions we should take that are towards the group and against our happiness.

Yet, as I’ve decided for myself, in a shift from religion to faith, I don’t have to sacrifice myself so much to enable better things for the group. Each day, I have greater confidence to discuss group actions towards better outcomes. Not just the best immediate group outcome.

And, I feel that’s the real fear in dealing with the status quo. The conversations…

The conversations about sharing more freely of yourself, trusting that others aren’t going to abuse that information, the need to push your interests beyond yourself, to think of how others experience what we control, and to give consideration to fair and just outcomes. Not the best result for the group or ourselves.

So, whether you’re part of the community or not, a difference happens when we push for something better. And, it will be a struggle to do what is right.

By Michael Cannon

Boundless Virgo water-rat, Drusus & Jace's remote dad, for @Axelerant's success, of conscious choices & simple living by kindness through curiosity & reflection

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